I was lost..
I am still lost..
I saw you the other day from afar...
Will you be there?
I miss you so.. I want to see you ..



Monday, January 16, 2012
A goodbye note yang lama tertunda

      

Hallo, mas. Saya harap mas baik-baik saja. Saya tidak tau di mana mas sekarang. Tapi saya harap mas dalam keadaan baik. Mas tau kan saya selalu berdoa untuk mas.

Maaf kalau saya menyerang mas tiba-tiba dengan kata-kata saya waktu itu. Bersembunyi di balik alasan sedang mabuk. Saya mohon maaf, karena sesudahnya terus terang saya merasa lega. Mungkin sebagian dari diri saya selalu ingin menyampaikan semua itu kepada mas. Bagian yang selama ini menggerogoti diri saya dari dalam. Mungkin itu kemarahan saya. Karena jauh di lubuk hati saya, saya tau kalau mas masih mencintai dia. Bukan, bukan istri mas. Maksud saya, mantan mas. Iya, dia. Dan saya rasa, mas pasti tau kalau saya cinta sama mas di saat saya bilang ya waktu mas mau memperkenalkan saya ke dia. That's how big my love for you, mas..

Orang lain bisa bilang kalau saya bodoh. Dan saya tidak perduli. Yang saya tau, saya bersedia untuk melakukannya demi mas. Atau hal lain, tanpa mas perlu meminta. Tapi satu hal yang saya masih tidak bisa. Melepas mas. Meninggalkan semua kenangan yang saya punya bersama mas. Kenapa begitu sulit ya, mas? Apa memang saya tidak berusaha cukup keras seperti yang mas bilang? Sementara mas juga tidak membuat hal ini lebih mudah..

Semoga kali ini berhasil ya, mas. Semoga kata-kata saya cukup membuat mas benci saya sehingga mas bisa melepas saya pergi. Mas kan tau, tidak ada lagi yang baik dari semua ini. Saya harus bisa menerima bahwa saya tidak tidak akan menjadi the one buat mas. Saya tidak akan pernah bisa memiliki seluruh hati mas untuk saya sendiri. Dan meskipun waktu itu saya bilang saya bersedia, ternyata saya tidak bisa. Saya menginginkan mas untuk saya sendiri. Saya mau menyimpan mas hanya untuk diri saya sendiri. Jujur saja. Tidak mudah.

Jadi pertimbangkan ini sebagai perpisahan yang sesungguhnya. Tidak ada lagi bbm, tidak ada lagi telepon. Saya harus kuat. Bukan untuk mas, tapi untuk diri saya sendiri. I owe this to myself. Karena saya tidak bisa seperti ini terus-terusan. Dan saya tau bahwa saya masih sedih. Dan saya masih menangis dari waktu ke waktu. Terutama kalau sesuatu hal mengingatkan saya pada mas, waktu yang kita habiskan bersama, atau cerita yang mas sampaikan. Dan itu terjadi lumayan sering.

Saya harap Tuhan bersama saya. Dan saya harap sekali ini Tuhan mengerti bahwa saya sungguh-sungguh dengan permintaan saya. Bahwa saya harus melepas mas pergi. Jika memang bukan takdirnya, memang bukan takdirnya. So goodbye, mas. Mas tau saya akan kehilangan mas. Dan mas pasti tau bahwa saya akan selalu mencintai mas. Karena semua kekurangan mas yang mas bilang akan membuat saya turn off kalau saya tau, semua itu yang malah membuat saya tambah cinta sama mas.

So take care will you.. Karena saya tidak akan ada di sekitar mas untuk menjaga mas lagi. Saya tidak akan bisa menyampaikan kata-kata manis itu lagi. Dan sudah pasti saya tidak akan ada di situ untuk menggenggam tangan mas, memeluk mas, atau memberikan kecupan selamat malam lagi. Saya tau mas akan baik-baik saja. Dan mas tidak akan kehilangan saya.

So be a good boy.  I love you…

Jakarta, 23 May 2010


Posted at 01:12 pm by oesyil
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Sunday, January 15, 2012
Hari ini, setahun yang lalu

Hey, kamu. Apa kabar?

Sudah beberapa lama. Aku tau. Kamu mungkin tidak ingat - tapi aku ingat, aku ingat..

Hari ini setahun yang lalu, seseorang yang aku puja setengah mati akhirnya berhasil muncul di depan rumahku, hanya beberapa menit setelah tengah malam (ya, salahkan jadwal kamu yang super padat itu, bahkan di akhir minggu).. Memakai polo shirt biru tua, tidak berani mendekat lebih jauh karena katanya takut sama anjingku. How cute.. Tau nggak, buat aku, orang itu akan selalu menjadi my knight in shining armor (riding his "horse" - dan walaupun dia kemudian menjual Kuda-nya setelah itu, dia akan selalu menjadi ksatria berbaju zirahku).

Hari ini setahun yang lalu, aku mencium kamu untuk pertama kalinya. Suatu langkah yang sampai sekarang aku tidak bisa memutuskan, apakah aku harus menyesalinya.. Atau tidak.. Oh aku sudah memikirkan untuk melakukannya (mencium kamu) selama beberapa lama, tapi tidak pernah punya cukup keberanian untuk melakukannya. Sampai hari itu, setahun yang lalu, aku teramat mabuk, dan yang ada di pikiran hanya betapa aku sangat menginginkanmu.

Kamu mungkin tidak ingat, tapi aku ingat.. Semabuk apapun aku saat itu, aku masih ingat betapa gentle dan caring-nya kamu, sampai aku tak tahan dan menangis..

Aku menangis karena aku mungkin salah mengartikan apa yang sebenarnya kamu inginkan dari aku selama ini. Aku menangis karena kamu bilang kalau aku mengenal kamu lebih baik, aku tidak mungkin merasakan apa yang aku rasakan untukmu. Aku menangis karena aku begitu takut kalau aku akan kehilangan kamu setelah malam itu...

Kamu mungkin tidak ingat semua itu, tapi aku ingat.. Dan seperti yang aku bilang waktu itu, jika ada cara untuk membuat aku lupa, akan aku lakukan. Dan sudah ku tempuh (walau tak berhasil). Bukan karena aku ingin melupakan semua itu. Karena semua itu adalah kenangan berharga buatku, setiap detiknya. Selamanya..

Aku ingin melupakan hanya karena itu akan lebih mudah buat kamu. Aku ingin melupakan karena aku tau aku sudah menjadi beban buat kamu. Jujur saja, aku menyedihkan dan sinting. Aku menjadi sinis dan gila. Bahkan aku pun benci diriku yang seperti ini. Aku menjadi kekecewaan besar bagi semua orang yang aku kenal. Dan aku masih tidak mengerti, mengapa aku tidak mau menyerah. 

Buatku lebih baik aku menghilang seperti awan ketika hujan turun, jatuh ke bumi tanpa jejak. Buatku lebih baik aku menjadi kayu yang menjadi abu ketika terbakar api. Jika kamu yang menjadi hujan, jika kamu yang menjadi api, aku bersedia untuk menjadi tiada. Karena sejak bertemu kamu, aku tak punya lagi alasan lain untuk hidup. Aku hidup hanya untukmu.

Jadi tolong maafkan aku, karena masih belum bisa menjadi manusia yang kamu inginkan. Karena aku masih mengenang dan mengingat semua. Dan semua ini membuat aku sedih, karena aku tau semua ini hanya ada di kepalaku. Tapi semua itu kenangan paling manis yang aku punya. Dan aku tidak ingin melepas mereka.

Kamu lelaki terbaik yang pernah aku kenal. Tolong jangan minta aku pergi. Aku tidak ingin bebas. Aku ingin tinggal. Dan kalau aku harus menderita karena itu, so be it. Karena sebagaimana aku berusaha berkata betapa aku membenci kamu. Kamu selalu tau kebenaran di balik itu, aku tidak pernah bisa membencimu.

Note: tanggal asli surat ini adalah 22 November 2010


Posted at 01:42 am by oesyil
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Friday, October 28, 2011
Sore sehabis hujan

I thought I gave up writing completely. I can't ever seem to find the time to just sit and write. Tapi setelah beberapa sore ini hujan terus, dan pikiran gw selalu melayang ke dia, so...

Mungkin juga gw keinget dia terus karena kejadiannya masih baru.. Baru banget. Belun ada seminggu. Kalo kata The Script, lukanya masih berdarah.. Hahah.. Tapi emang idup gw kayaknya gak jauh dari serangkaian ketololan gw dalam hal ini. Masalahnya cuma berapa jauh siy seseorang atau orang-orang itu mau menerima kenyataan bahwa gw emang sebodoh ini kalo urusan begini. Tampaknya gak semua bisa. Mungkin gw yang kebangetan, ngarep terlalu banyak bahwa jadi teman salah satunya adalah menerima seseorang apa adanya.

Gw pernah bilang kalo Tuhan itu suka bercanda. Banget. Cuma masalahnya elo bisa ketawa apa nggak itu ukuran kebesaran hati seseorang. Bahwa ini semua pelajaran hidup. Dan elo musti bangkit dan terus melangkah dari situ. Bahwa semua ini ada konsekuensinya. Dan sebagai orang yg selalu menolak jadi dewasa, of course dalam urusan begini, gw kepentok. Kepala gw kejedot tembok, sampe terhuyung-huyung. Terus ngusruk. Tapi tetep intinya elo tetep kudu bangun dan terus jalan kan?

So I met this guy. Well, actually I saw him long before. n I didn't like what I saw. Menurut gw (waktu itu) orangnya belagu banget, gayanya sok seleb abis, dan cerita2 yg gw denger dan alamin juga gak seberapa sedep.

Sampe terjadilah yang  mungkin seharusnya gak pernah terjadi. I grabbed and just kissed him one nite after too much old (and very wise) black label tequila. So we made out. Like we never made out before. n I was so surprised, coz after all, I had never felt that way before. I gave up everything, everyone, just because.. Why he had to be different? I despised him...

A million dollar question that I can never answer. One thing led to another, before I realized I felt in a trap. Like a fly in a spiderweb, I can't get away. I was mesmerized in his roller coaster of drama. Without admitting it, I actually enjoyed it.

I thought what we had was pure physical. And I refuse to become one of his groupies or fans club or whatever. Without realizing that I might even act worse than the real ones. And it was not always that bad. I felt what I never felt before, despite of all the quarrels, the jealousy, the unimportant ngambek things.

But of course, it has to end. Just like that. One phone call in one late afternoon, and I lost my tounge. I felt so stupid for not being smart enough. Atau mungkin memang seperti dia bilang, I drink too much I smoke too fast, bikin gw jadi tolol. Atau mungkin gw tertohok karena betapa kalemnya "dia". Seakan membenarkan kecurigaan gw selama ini, there's a lot of me before, and there will be more after, but she's the one who stays. Not that I want to argue that. Not that I want her place. It's just that I got all these negative inputs about him that turned out not to be true. At least to me he proves so far that he's not lying. N I have all these worries that one day, one day it won't be the truth anymore. Which the call made me lost my solid ground, I didn't know him AT ALL. n yet I was willing to take all the risk?

So I lost him. Nah, who am I kidding. I think I lost him since the beginning. Coz I never believe him. N never really take the time just try to understand what really happened. Why did life have once again take its course and make another joke for me.

I think I know now. I think I fell for him because of his passion for what he does. For believing that he can do something for the things he love, n I think he did. N, man, when he loves, he does it with all his heart. Trust me. I know. n I do love to see that sparks in his eyes when he talked. So to hell with all the negativity, or at least for what the others judge him. Now I know, now I understand. Kinda late daa?

It's been short. It has not been pleasant all the times. But I have some good and interesting memories. Few even can be put in the screen.. hahah.

How I wish that you still give me that cold shoulder, how I wish you still give me the hard time, n I wish that I still hope that it's over... Is it too much?

I just wish I can say goodbye to him. Thanking him for making my life colourful, even for a very short period. n though I never want to admit this before, I know now that from nobody, from someone that I used not to look in the eyes, he became really this significant to me just to ignore. Without I even realized he took a part of me.. Which I don't think I can get back. n I lost him forever... 

You know it matters, especially in this kind of weather, when the sky was really dark, and it's going to rain soon, and you don't know where he is, and you can't even contact him, all you wish to God is, I hope he is safe, I hope he won't be soaking wet somewhere, I hope he's not stuck in a traffic jam somewhere, I just hope that he is fine. Even if he never come back...


Posted at 06:23 pm by oesyil
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Saturday, May 15, 2010
So be it

Kalo ditanya sebener-benernya gw gak mau pisah dari dia. Kalo nurutin kata hati, maunya gw ngekepin dia di pelukan gw dan ga mau ngelepasin lagi.. But this is life, man. n life is anything but fair..

So I said goodbye to him. n the scene was pretty awful. In the end, I think I made him hate me for he must think I didn't really mean what I said. n I hate myself as well. Afterwards, it was even worst. Coz I was really loosing my grip, I was loosing my ground. Parah banget..

Gw kayak gerak dari ujung ke ujung, trying to forget but couldn't really make myself to do it. So I failed n failed. Ended up still contacting him, though not like before. n it was killing me as well, as I felt that he's also changing.. n I couldn't really tell whether he did it coz he hated me, or just becauze he was trying to help. Couldn't really accept it. It was so hard.

So it was kind of funny and stupid. One day I sent him a very humiliating email, wishing that I could go back to where we were. Though actually it was nowhere.. The other day, we talked over the phone for quite sometime, discussing work for sometime, as if nothing has ever changed.

Then, I got away, a bit far, a bit extreme.. Reading this very nice book that give me ideas, of troubled woman n how she survived. I realized reading her story, that I shall too become administrator of my life. I shall too not waiting for my knight in shining armor n shall rescue myself. I shall too find love greater than human life.. n I know, it won't be easy. Just like she said..

Funny how sometimes life makes joke over your decision. It is funny, that the first day I came back from my getaway just to forget him, I should accidently run into him, right when I just got out of cab that took me to my office building. Funny how like when we met in the airport (when the least person I would like to see in the world was him), he also was the one who spotted me first. n he just walked beside me.. Funny..

It was also when the least expected, that we could had sometime together having cigarettes over coffee, just to catch up. Just for a while.. only for a while.. n yet.. I realized.. This is the God answering to my pray for asking to have my closure. n on the same day I should also hear that there's been rumours spreading around (bout "us").

Well, it is pretty clear to me, though I still believe that he is not happy with his life.. I should let him go... So love him.. Miss him.. But, I still have to let him go.. I could not ask that question.. Maybe some things better left unsaid. So let it be, if he is not happy. It is his choice. n I shouldn't question his decision. It's his life. n although I am not sure how long before I can really get over him. I should give it a try. Not lingering around waiting for something that may never come. I just have to let go.

Coz in the end.. Just like the lady writer said.. or is it her friend that said.. It was my ego that was bruised. Coz I could never have him. I was holding on those memories, not willing to let go. But they don't bring me anywhere. It doesn't mean that I have to stop living. Of course, it will be hard. Especially coz a lot of things we've done together are really the things I love to do before he came along. But I should learn to become the controller of my mind. I should not let my mind trick me and make me miserable all over again. For Godshake, I went so far just to let go my feelings for him. So let they rest in peace. I don't hate them, I don't hate him. I must meet him, so I can grow. So I will.. I just hope that God with me on this.. n just hope that life will make another joke like it did this morning.. Yeah, it was funny, coz I left my room this morning thinking that, OK, I must focus today, have a lot to do - just return from my holiday, I mustn't think about him no more.. Yet, there he is, right there, just in time when I got out of my taxi..

Yet, I thank God.. Coz I did have my closure. So, please, be it.. be a closure.. Let me cherish you just as another memory.. Please don't make me running round in circle.. So goodbye, mas.. Thanks for being who you are. I think now is the time I should shift my thought n just think you as a friend. Coz I love you.. n I know I have to let you go.. I hope you will be fine. Coz I may not be there anymore.. But it doesn't mean that I don't care. But it is just too complicated. n I think it is better for you if I just let you go.. Goodbye..

Note: Wrote this in May 2010 - yet, it was not really a good bye


Posted at 02:12 pm by oesyil
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Mengejar Mas Mas

Tadinya saya pikir saya tidak sedang jatuh cinta. Saya pikir saya cuma berusaha mengalihkan perhatian saya dari seseorang yang jelas-jelas tidak bisa saya miliki. Orang yang lebih sering bikin saya sakit hati dari pada tertawa bahagia. Padahal dulu saya jatuh cinta sama dia karena dia bisa bikin saya tertawa. Iya, sesederhana itu..

Berawal dari rebound guy, nggak tau kenapa saya jadi tergila-gila, jadi terobsesi sama satu orang ini. Dia yang ternyata terlahir satu bintang sama si (yang tadinya) cinta mati saya, tapi sifatnya beda banget kayak langit dan bumi. Si (mantan) cimat yang extrovert banget, sementara orang ini amat sangat reserved. Banyakan diemnya dari pada ngomong.

Saya udah liat dia dari lama. Tapi gak pernah merhatiin banget, karena buat saya (waktu itu) dia cuma sekedar mas mas jawa yang agak ganteng (buat ukuran mas mas jawa). Yang ada di pikiran saya waktu itu, koq bisa masi muda kayak gitu bisa dapet posisi tinggi di proyek itu. Udah. Gak pernah kepikiran lagi.

Kedua kali ketemu, sama aja. Masih gak terpesona, alias B banget. Cuma teman-teman saya sih mulai cerita soal dia. Pokoknya yang hebat-hebat deh. Saya cuma bisa bilang, "o ya?" dan "masa sih?" di tiap jeda mereka cerita - karena ceritanya panjang hahaha...

Sampai ketiga kali ketemu, saya cuma sekedar meng-entertain teman-teman saya saja, yang kayaknya mulai percaya kalau saya tertarik sama dia. Buat saya nggak ada bedanya sama si (mantan) cimat. Toh gak bisa dimiliki juga. Alias iseng-iseng berhadiah. Dan mungkin saya tertantang, masa sih gak bisa bikin orang ini tertarik..

Mulailah terjadi interaksi melalui cara komunikasi paling mudah, murah dan canggih saat ini (oh I luv blackberry messenger Wink). Ternyata setelah ngobrol lewat bbm, saya menemukan sisi lain dari dia. Yang kayaknya sedikit demi sedikit terpaksa membuat saya mengakui kalau saya agak tertarik sama dia.

Pertemuan ke empat, saya terpaksa mengakui, ternyata dia memang ganteng, bukan untuk ukuran mas mas jawa. Memang ganteng, gak pake embel-embel. Mungkin penilaian saya sudah tidak subyektif saat itu, atau saya perlu pergi ke dokter mata - yang mana tidak saya lakukan juga. If I may quote what I wrote at that time after I met him for the fourth time..

"That day I saw him in that meeting room - I was so near from sticking a knife in to my heart coz it just strucked me that he is so good looking, so handsome, I was suffocated. Can't help but just swearing silently, darn! darn! darn!

Darn for he has been taken. Darn for initiating all those chats that now I can't go on without. Darn that I can't even close my eyes without thinking about his cute smile (oh those lips, I would really luv to kiss them), without seeing that funny expression when we talked about anything."

Pertemuan-pertemuan selanjutnya saya sudah mulai tidak yakin kalau dia cuma sekedar re-bound guy. Saya yang nyaris membakar celana saya dan kursi di cafe, gara-gara terpesona ngeliat bibirnya (sumpah, gak mutu banget..). Saya yang hampir mencium dia waktu pisah.. Saya yang mem-burn 1000 lebih lagu rock/metal/trash jaman dulu yang saya kumpulin dengan darah dan air mata (yang ini agak lebay sih - prosesnya gak sesusah itu sebenernya..) buat hadiah bday dia..

Di pertemuan ke-enam, saya sebetulnya sudah merasakan tanda bahaya. Alarm di otak saya sudah berkata, "You need to get out now.. or you won't be able to get away, at all!!" Saya masih inget banget, waktu itu abis lebaran. Dia bawain oleh-oleh. Dan walaupun sibuk, dia masih menyanggupi untuk ketemu saya, sebentar, karena saya bilang saya mau minta tolong sama dia dan nggak enak ngomong lewat telepon (yup, me and my old tricks - it's kind of flattering that I still have my charm Tongue). Waktu dia muncul, saya hampir lupa bernapas. Tatapan matanya menggetarkan jiwa.. Senyumannya.. Bibirnya.... *Hadeeeeeuuuuh*

Pertemuan-pertemuan berikutnya, I always refer it as the best week of my life. Saat di mana saya menyadari bahwa dia bisa membuat saya ingin berubah. Ingin menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Jadi manusia yang lebih pengertian. Dan saat itu saya baru menyadari kalau buat dia janji masih merupakan sesuatu komoditi yang sangat berharga (Harrree ghenneee....). Iya, saya baru sadar di situ. Waktu dia bela-belain muncul di hotel saya, berangkat dari hotel dia yang jauhnya hampir setengah jam dari hotel saya, cuma karena dia udah janji mau pergi sama saya. Keliling-keliling cari cafe yang masih buka saat hampir tengah malam. Ngobrol sampai hampir jam setengah 3 pagi. Nganter saya balik ke hotel, terus dia balik ke hotelnya yang (again) setengah jam jauhnya dari hotel saya. Padahal saya yakin banget kalau dia capek banget hari itu. Sibuk dari pagi, lanjut field visit, lanjut meeting sama konsultan, lanjut meng-entertain bapak-bapak dari satu institusi. Not to mention that besoknya dia harus meeting jam 8 pagi. Not to mention kalau malam sebelumnya dia juga menghabiskan waktu sama saya sampai jam 2 pagi. Saya terpesona.. Saya kagum.. Saya tergila-gila..

Seharusnya mungkin saya berhenti di situ. Sayangnya nggak.. Saya terlanjur.. Dan seperti biasa, saya mengikuti kata hati saya. Dan bodohnya saya bilang sama dia, semua yang saya rasakan.. Saya sedih, saya patah hati... Berhari-hari... Berminggu-minggu.. Tidak bisa tidur, tidak bisa makan... Saya mengagungkan dia seakan dia bukan manusia.. Saya tidak mau dia jadi pengkhianat. Tapi di sisi lain, hati saya merana kalau ternyata dia nggak punya maksud apa-apa sama saya. Saya sengsara, karena saya nggak tau maunya saya apa..

Dan sekarang.. Walaupun dia nggak pernah bilang.. Harusnya saya tau, kalau saya bisa dibilang lebih dari sekedar teman di hati dia. Kadang saya suka menyesali kenapa dia harus jadi orang baik-baik dan nggak pernah mau bicara sesuatu yang tidak bisa dipertanggungjawabkan. Tapi harusnya saya tau.. Karena mungkin itu yang bikin saya jatuh cinta sama dia. Walaupun kadang kejujuran dia bikin saya sakit hati, mungkin saya harus melihat dari sisi dia..

Tolong jangan nasihati saya. Saya bukan tipe orang yang terikat nilai-nilai tradisional. Dan saya percaya kalau jodoh itu di tangan Tuhan. Jadi percuma aja kalau kalian bilang jangan buang waktu saya buat dia karena tidak akan ada akhirnya dan bilang lebih baik cari jodoh saya. Karena yang saya tau, saya suka sama dia, saya suka menghabiskan waktu sama dia, walaupun untuk ketemu dia pun saya harus menunggu dan menunggu. Mungkin saya cinta sama dia.. Yang jelas, saya selalu mendoakan yang terbaik buat dia.. Dan saya mau dia sehat, sukses dan berhasil. Walaupun saya tidak akan pernah bisa mengatakan bahwa itu semua karena saya, karena dukungan saya.. Karena bukan saya yang berada di sisi dia.. Apa mau dikata.. Tapi saya juga nggak mau menyesali itu. Karena mengenal dia, membuat saya ingin menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Belum pernah ada orang yang bisa bikin saya seperti ini. Sekali lagi, belum pernah ada!! Jadi tolong, jangan menghakimi saya..


Posted at 01:20 am by oesyil
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
An email to my best friend

Hey, hope u had a wonderful weekend.

I've been doing a lot of thinkin' since friday night. Apparently, someone's question about what I want had forced me to think. Especially now that I am so afraid by not telling the truth will cost me more than by become a brave person and spill it out. Though I may have a good reason for not saying it in the first place.

I thought I told him already, I thought he knew. But maybe it has not been clear to him than it is for me now.

What I really want to say by telling him about my dream (about her), was my way of telling him that I have to admit that her presence really annoys me. So annoying that she had to be there in my subconscious mind. I just wanted him to know.

That afternoon, when I sent him a message saying that I was so close from kissing him was my way trying to tell him that I still have all those feelings for him. I'm still crazy about him. And it's not because he's now a big shot someone on top of his world and loved by everyone and just simply want him (again), but because I never really get over him.

He might remember that day when we had coffee in that particular place in January 2008, the day when I said to him that I want our old "us" back. Back to the old days when we were so comfort with each other, when we were just friends. Best friends.

The problem is, I didn't give him the real reason of my decision. I didn't tell him that my feelings for him had driven me nuts. I didn't say that the burden of the fact I-would-never-have-him had made me suffocated. And for the sake of my sanity, for having me to ever laugh again with him (one of quality that made me fall for him), I had to put an end, I had to say goodbye to the new "us".

I thought I was over it. Until that day when we were away for that retreat. I didn't realize it at that time though I was miserable just because I didn't see enough of him. I didn't realize until I see his picture in FB, one pic that I referred as "darn". All those nasty comments I made were just denial, coz I'm not ready of walking that path again.

The first time I was angry  because of her, again I failed to tell the truth. The fear of rejection had stopped me from telling him. That what I wanted at that time was for having him to hold my hand during that trip back to my office and saying that everything is allright. That what we have was special. But I couldn't say it, coz I knew I lost him the day I said goodbye to the new "us". It's not that I had expectation on what we had. I always know the path leads to nowhere. But I just need to know that (at least) it was something special. 

The second time, I didn't lie when he called me that night maybe sensing that I was angry. I said the truth when he asked me. I wasn't  mad, I wasn't angry. I was dissapointed. The day I chose to try to declare my feelings was the same day that I found out they went out in such a ridiculous way. I was broken hearted. But still, I chose to keep silent.

But I can't stay silent anymore, coz I am so afraid that he will hate me for behaving irrational, unreasonably pathetic and idiotic. I am so afraid that he will hate me after making that stupid analogy about what I felt that friday night.

The truth is, I never get over him. I was in denial, trying to forget all bout my feelings for him, afraid of being hurt. Inside, I'm still that same person sitting in that bus stop and saw him the way she never did during 3 years of their friendship. Sudden epiphany, came like a thunder, completely smitten by him and couldn't help but fell for him. Hard.

The truth is, I am missing him so bad. Missing the morning coffee time and it is so hard that I just give up the idea to come early to the office. Missing him stopping by in front of my office door unannounced for lunch or just a quick smoking time -so much that from time to time I still can hear his voice when I sit in my office and it hurts me so much coz I know he's not there anymore.

There I said it. It took so many booze (that just vapourized through my skin, didn't help at all to get me some decent sleep), several sleepless nights, so many cigarettes, n a lot of guts.

I told myself that I just wanna care for him in a simple way. But it has never been simple. I thought I got away easily. But it's never been easy, coz hating him is impossible.

So from the bottom of my heart, I ask for his forgiveness. I hope that he'll forgive me for not telling the truth. Forgive me for confiding my sadness of could-not-have -him and broken heart in every other guys. All the guys that have the criteria I dig, while actually the only guy I am falling for is the one that not even qualified. And on top of everything, I really do hope that he can forgive me although I can't keep my promise to him a long time ago when he invited me to his housewarming (the one that I didn't come).  I just can't put my heart where it belongs. The feelings I have for him just won't go away. Not because I don't want to, but because it is beyond my control.

I'm sorry.
Please don't hate me.

Posted at 09:12 pm by oesyil
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Friday, September 26, 2008
Take it light, please

I don't think that I am really fall for him.. Well, maybe not yet.. Maybe it will never be.. I don't think he really has the quality for it. But yet, he makes me happy.. He kinda make me forget that I was broken hearted when I left for my holiday..

I was not sure at that time.. I was being so low and was thinking it is just for the sake of fun. And he is even cute.. I have nothing too loose..

And yet.. After I left.. He was like blurted out all the things that he feels for me. I was amazed.. Is it possible? Or maybe he just falls for the image that he thought he sees. It was not the real me.. He doesn't even know me.. That's for sure..

I still don't know where this will lead to.. I am not expecting anything from this.. Thought my friends [being know me very well!!] shared their concerns.. I just want them to take it lightly.. I am like the one who live the life for all the dramas.. It has to be a story where people can make a movie based on it.. As I have been counting for sometime [quite sometime actually], this is just another episode in my life.. Nothing more.. Nothing less..


Posted at 02:48 am by oesyil
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Revenge is really sweet..

There was a time when I really admired him. Admired him for what he did, admired him for the road he chose, admired him for moving from his safe shelter, although he might have other choice at that time. That was being irresponsible, insensitive little bastard like he used to be..

There was a time when I really obsessed about him.. physically. Attracted to him, sexually.. there was a time when I had to take so many cold showers just because I thought of him.

There was a time when I thought I had found the rough diamond I've been looking for so long. There was a time that I would not let him go for anything. Maybe love, maybe lust.. I was not sure..

There was a time he made me broken hearted. Just stood me up like that. Like I was nothing for him. None.. Nada.. Nothing at all.. Then after sometime, after all those tears and sleepless nights.. came all the madness..

I was angry.. I felt betrayed.. and one thing I have to tell you, my dear friend.. Revenge is sweet! Really really sweet... It is so good to hear myself saying, "BIAR MAMPUSS!!!"

Now, eventhough he said that we still can be friends, be lovers, be enemies... It is up to me to choose.. All I can say to you, my friend.. [It seems that I still do not have a heart to tell him this]... Revenge is really sweet... indeed.. Now tell me, my dear, why would I want something else..?


Posted at 02:29 am by oesyil
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Saturday, July 26, 2008
Kenyataan itu..

Lucu ya.. di saat gw mo mengambil keputusan untuk hidup lebih sehat.. live my life to the fullest. Eh kenyataan ini menohok gw tiba-tiba..

I never even think that this could happen to me.. Padahal kenapa nggak? Gw ngerokok.. gw suka makan junk food.. melahap semua makanan yg gak sehat itu.. jarang olah raga.. iya.. kenapa nggak..?

Gak pernah kepikir untuk ngecek sebelumnya.. Iya, I know.. harusnya rutin ya, setaun sekali, or even setaun 2 kali.. Gw malah belun pernah med check up. Pdhal uda disuruh dokter dari kapan tau. Takut gw diabet.. secara bokap gw diabet..

Akhirnya tadi pagi, kenyataan itu datang.. Kenyataan bahwa di payudara kanan gw ada benjolan. Kata dokter yg meriksa siy tumor jinak.. Tp harus cepet dioperasi takut berubah sifat, soalnya tumbuhnya cepet banget.. Bukannya nakut-nakutin loh.. Sang ibu dokter mengulang itu sampe 2 kali..

Gw gak tau antara harus sedih atau ketawa.. Yg jelas gw gamang.. Mendengar kata-kata tumor dan operasi.. rasanya mengerikan sekali.. Apalagi korbannya adalah gw.. Oh Dear God.. please help me.. I didn't even cry properly like some people may do when they hear such of news.. Or maybe I will tomorrow, when the real doctor will tell me exactly what happened n what I should do.. Or maybe later, when I talk to another doctor for second opinion.. Or maybe never..? Paling maksimal mata gw berkaca-kaca pas cerita ama orang.. Apalagi kalo orang itu menunjukkan simpati yg amat sangat.. Ada yang salah dengan diri gw??

Iya, saya tau, saya bandel, Tuhan.. Saya nakal.. Saya tau.. Ini cara Engkau untuk mengingatkan saya bahwa saya hidup harus punya tujuan.. Dan jelas tujuan hidup saya bukan untuk bersenang-senang nggak jelas seperti yg saya lakukan sekarang. Bukan ini..

Have to admit that I'm kinda lost.. Not that I've been found yet.. I'm still a work in process.. Help me find myself..


Posted at 01:49 am by oesyil
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Thursday, May 29, 2008
Saya tidak setia

Saya bukan tipe perempuan setia. Semua pacar saya pernah merasakan betapa saya menduakan mereka, saya punya selingkuhan. Bahkan selingkuhan saya pun sempat merasakan saya punya selingkuhan lain selain dia *Dipikir-pikir kurang ajar banget ya.. ngakunya cinta mati, tapi diam-diam punya selingkuhan lagi*

Saya merasa kok, kalo saya tidak normal. Ya itu tadi. Saya bisa merasakan bahwa saat itu saya cinta mati dengan seseorang, selingkuhan saya, pada saat saya masih punya pacar - yang tidak lagi saya cintai. Tapi koq masi bisa punya selingkuhan yang lain.

Harusnya sih nggak jadi masalah kalau saja saya bisa seperti laki-laki. Tidak mencampur aduk antara urusan kelamin dengan perasaan. Nyatanya saya tetap perempuan. Biarpun saya tidak suka dikejar laki-laki, dan lebih suka mengejar laki-laki. Dan di saat sang lelaki sudah dalam genggaman, rasanya tidak menantang lagi dan saya akan mencari tantangan baru, yang lebih menarik. Iya, saya tetap saja perempuan, karena end up nya saya tetap pakai perasaan. Biarpun selingkuh, tapi ternyata saya tetap punya keinginan ingin memiliki dan dimiliki. Padahal hal itu belum tentu bisa terjadi. Apalagi kalau lelaki itu suami orang.

Lebih parah lagi karena ternyata masih punya perasaan, saya jadi tidak bisa tidur kalau malam. Merasa bersalah karena sudah menduakan pacar saya. Merasa nggak seharusnya punya selingkuhan lagi saat saya masih punya selingkuhan yang katanya saya cinta mati.

Akhirnya saya putuskan pacar saya. Saya putuskan juga selingkuhan saya yang katanya saya cintai mati, karena saya turn off waktu dengar dia cemburu karena saya punya selingkuhan lain selain dia.

Semakin parah waktu saya mencoba menempatkan diri sebagai istri dari suami yang menjadi selingkuhan saya. Karena bagaimanapun juga saya juga perempuan, dan sebagai perempuan saya tidak mau, tidak rela dan tidak bisa membayangkan seandainya suami saya yang selingkuh dengan perempuan tidak tahu diri - seperti saya - yang berani-berani mengganggu pria yang sudah jelas-jelas punya istri.

Saya punya masalah dengan komitmen. Pastinya. Karena saya tidak pernah tidak selingkuh dari pacar-pacar saya. Baik setelah selingkuh lalu saya minta putus dari pacar saya, ataupun tidak minta putus dan berlagak bodoh -  sampai akhirnya saya tidak bisa tidur karena rasa bersalah yang tidak mau pergi itu.

Kenapa ya saya tidak bisa seperti salah satu mantan selingkuhan saya yang notabene suami orang. Dia bilang kalau mau jadi penjahat jangan tanggung. Tidak mungkin jadi penjahat tapi juga jadi orang baik. Jahat ya jahat, baik ya baik. Nggak nanggung seperti saya ini. Orang jahat bisa tidur nyenyak walaupun habis melakukan kejahatan. Karena dia memang penjahat. Masalahnya saya tidak bisa.. Masalahnya saya pasti berpikir dan berusaha untuk berubah menjadi baik, walaupun selalu tergoda untuk melakukan kejahatan dulu sebelumnya.

Ada yang salah memang. Ada pertanyaan yang tidak bisa saya jawab. Ya, itu tadi, kenapa ya saya tidak bisa setia? Bukan tidak mau. Saya mau setia sampai mati kepada pacar-pacar saya. Itu yang saya niatkan waktu saya jadi pacar mereka. Itu yang saya inginkan, bahwa saya hanya mencintai mereka saja, sampai dunia ini berhenti berputar, sampai matahari berhenti beredar, sampai kiamat menghancurkan semua yang pernah kita tahu dan kita kenal. Tapi kenapa sulit ya? Sebetulnya masalahnya apa? Karena waktu saya jadi pacar mereka semua (di saat yang berbeda), hal itu yang saya rasakan, yang saya inginkan. Lalu ke mana larinya perasaan itu semua ya?

Ada yang tidak beres dengan hati saya. Saya harus mencari jawabannya. Karena saya tidak mau terus tidak setia pada pacar-pacar saya. Saya bukan laki-laki, tidak bisa poligami. Saya cuma bisa menikah dengan satu lelaki saja. Tidak bisa dua, tidak bisa tiga, apalagi empat. Dan saya ingin menikah sekali saja. Tapi rasanya sulit, karena itu tadi.. Saya tidak setia..


Posted at 04:36 am by oesyil
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oesyil
Female

I luv cats.. Sometimes I even talked to them!!
Probably I was a cat in my previous life :))
Sama kayak kucing, gw pemalas, manja, mao
menang 'ndiri, gak bisa liat ikan asin langsung tergiur...
kucing garong banget ^_^


   









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